01/02/24

Happy new year! I can't say whether I'm starting off on the right foot or not, since I'm only one day in, but I'm feeling pretty good. I was on call for the entire weekend and got called in twice, so I'm recovering today by doing some shopping and much needed cleaning.

I've never really been one to stick with resolutions long term, and I usually forget about whatever I promised myself within a couple months. I really couldn't tell you with any confidence what I set out for in the beginning of 2023! I think that's for the best. I did a lot of growing and changing last year without having to set a goal post for myself. This year, I'm going to try and keep a certain amount of momentum in my life, and continue moving forward and making my life livable as best as I can! I think this year that will entail making more of an effort to contact my faraway friends, go outside more, and be happier with the person I am.

On that last point, I kept joking with my friends that my resolution would be to be "more annoying and gayer," which is certainly doable. This has stemmed from a much less humorous place, however... I had a patient recently who was an older LGBT person, and though I wasn't able to talk to them about their life at all, just being able to see someone similar to myself, older, content in a way, moving forward through their life with the kind of pride and bravery it takes to be yourself... I don't know, I got emotional about it. I wasn't able to talk to them face to face, but just knowing they were there made me feel a sort of warmth you probably only get in hearing someone sing a song in your mother tongue. I saw someone from the same world as me, but someone who wasn't afraid to, y'know, sing out loud. I wanted to be able to bring that warmth to others, if I can.

Trouble is, I'm a deeply insecure person. I don't dress up out of fear that I'll be made fun of, I have genuinely abysmal self esteem, and I live in fucking Indiana, so I'm pretty nervous about attempting to flag, like, ever at all. I've had days where I planned to go to queer craft markets by myself and look cute, only to put on the outfit and stare at myself for too long in the mirror and start sobbing. I can't look at pictures of myself, ever, I have to purposefully avoid them, and it makes my life much worse. I know all these things, logically, and I know I could just brush past it all if I really tried, but it's a lot easier said than done. Needless to say, my therapist is well aware of all this. We're working on it. I'm going to be get better about it this year, inch by inch.

And I think... A lot of that starts with letting myself look bad in pictures, or garner attention even from the "wrong" people. I'm never going to fall in love with the right person if I'm waiting my whole life for them to find me in the crowd, without any indication that I'm the one they should seek out. In college, I masked these insecurities and wishes to be chosen by thinking that if someone was interested in me, they'd notice me no matter how hard I tried to appear (what I thought was) normal. In my monochrome, baggy Old Navy bargain rack clothes, they'd still be able to pick me out, and think, yes, that one, I've been waiting for them! But life is never so simple. I'm still waiting to be someone else's number one for the first time in my life. I still yearn for the kindness and attention that the effortlessly beautiful and charming can garner just by walking through the door. And, frankly, I CAN be that person! I had a hard conversation with a dear friend of mine, and she lamented with me, saying that I spend too much time trying to conform rather than actually letting myself shine through. And it hurt to hear that someone NOTICED!!! It hurt so badly, I thought I was covering it all up so well, but I wasn't, I never have. I think I don't garner attention from those around me because every piece of my human form screams that I am some kind of nervous prey animal, that I need to be left alone.

In short, I am trying to fix that. I'm trying to hold my head up a little higher, to speak a little louder. I'm working hard to convince myself every day that the things I like are worth talking about, because if they weren't, I wouldn't like them so much. I'm trying to go out of my comfort zone and make myself visible-- It's a slow process while I'm by myself. But I'll make it.

Other less psychological goals would be to go camping, I got a cheap tent and sleeping pad for that very thing. I'm going to try and keep my apartment tidier overall, and, uh... I don't know. As long as I keep moving forward, I'll be okay with anything. No lost inertia this year.

Fingers crossed.